and now…

we wait……

we wait for that which is already here

the baby we wait for is with us,

carried in us,

the work of birthing is ours

the work of change is his

Your Kingdom Come….

Advent1 2011 

The Visitation of the Virgin Mary to Elizabeth -May 31st

I’ve done this one before, as I remembered as opened this up to post this, but it bears repeating… and carries with it so much.

Blessed is she
who has believed
that what the Lord has said to her
will be accomplished

“You cannot hammer a girl into anything. She grows as a flower does, she will wither without sun; she will decay in her sheath as a narcissus will if you do not give her air enough; she might fall and defile her head in dust if you leave her without help at some moments in her life; but you cannot fetter her; she must take her own fair form and way if she take any.”

John Ruskin

Sunday

Sunset, at last I can *do* something #MaryMag #easterlive

Preparing spices and ointments. It’s all I can do for him now#MaryMag #easterlive

Still dark, but I have to do this. Meeting Peter in the garden, I hope he can help move that stone. #MaryMag #easterlive

He’s gone! What?…. Where? Peter ran off…#MaryMag #easterlive

They have taken my love, my lord and I don’t know where they’ve taken him. #MaryMag #easterlive

“Mary”. #MaryMag #easterlive

It’s true!!! He’s alive! My love my lord lives… #MaryMag #easterlive

He called my name, he knows me, I am his #MaryMag #easterlive

Awesome privilege telling everyone about Jesus!!! So I’m a girl!?! GET OVER IT!!! #MaryMag #easterlive

such a day, such a reunion, such a call…. “do not be afraid…. go… tell…..!” I did , and I will #marymag #easterlive

What can I say today? how? how can you describe something beyond  your wildest imaginings, your most frenzied and crazy dreams? How can you describe the propulsion from death and darkness to life, life beyond anything…?

I walked to that garden this morning, carrying the spices and oils I’d been preparing, meeting Peter  on the way, and John was with him too. I knew I’d need help shifting that stone. I wanted to be early, to be first.

The heartrending shock of a cave open, empty, everything still, but fresh, no death no decay, my tears froze in my eyes. My brain could not comprehend the possibilities. I  have no idea if Peter was scared or if he understood, but he & John ran off… and I was left.

I was scared, and tired, confused and bewildered. Tempted to curl up in that cave and die too. The tears continued like a thaw, and then  something made me turn….

A figure stood there, and I started, through the blur I looked up at a man I supposed to be the gardener, for who else would be around at dawn?

All I could think is that  someone had taken Jesus’s body, that it was a mistake or something, and all I wanted  was to know where it was so I could do what  I needed to do, the only thing I had left I could do for him to show him my love.

So I asked, “where have you taken him?!”

and there was silence,

and the whole world stood still

and then I heard just one word

“Mary”

and in that one word, I knew, I saw him, I understood and I was loved.

“go and tell”

and what could I do, but go… rushing off -such a command, overtaking even all my need and insistence to be with him, to stay close; and yet as I went off, he was still close, I was not running from him, but to him, as I ran to tell the others what had happened!

What a day! and only the start, only the very start…

Do not be afraid…. Go and tell…..

previous related posts

about Mary Magdalene

Saturday

How can the sun still rise?The birds still sing? How can I still live &breathe? How is any of this so? My love is dead #MaryMag#easterlive

Tears #MaryMag #easterlive

Trying not to think, trying to think, endless Shabbat space to get thru. Can’t do anything to distract myself. #MaryMag #easterlive

How can I mourn you, you who was my life, my being;

My source of all that was good, my energy,

You who made every day liveable, and right;

Your presence breathing Spirit into my days and my heart

You who drove the black clouds back and held my hand when their shadow loomed.

How can I mourn you, you whose death I saw, whose life I watched ebbing,

But whose presence I can’t let go of,

How can I live, while you do not.

How can the  sun rise without you and the earth continue to sprout shoots,

How can the rain fall at dusk, and the children play in the streets,

How can this be?

And must I now die?

Friday

I think I’ve drifted all over the city, lost hours confused and crying but Jesus is at the roman govs house now #MaryMag #easterlive

Pilate seems confused, and very agitated, keeps referring back to the religious leaders. He can’t decide what to do. #MaryMag#easterlive

Beaten, my love, beaten like a thief or a murderer, have they no idea? G-d where are you?! #MaryMag #easterlive

They really intend to execute him! He’s carrying his cross beam thru the city!! I think I might die too #MaryMag #easterlive

What a walk … Slow and so hard.. My heart is breaking #MaryMag#easterlive

Crowds gathering at Golgotha – it’s obscene , death as entertainment! Joy in cruelty. This hurts so much #MaryMag#easterlive

I’ve found mother Mary and John, thank goodness…#MaryMag#easterlive

Nails blood sounds agony of mind as well as body #MaryMag#easterlive

He astounds me, still so much love in all his pain. Care for his friends and his mother #MaryMag #easterlive

It is finished… He’s finished… What? My Love, my Lord #MaryMag#easterlive

Empty and bereft. What now? Need silence and tears and friends, a friend #MaryMag #easterlive

s’one has offered to bury Jesus b4 the Sabbath starts.so final, but at least we’ll know where he is, we can visit later.#marymag#easterlive

so many tears, so much heartache, I feel so alone, so empty#marymag #easterlive

How can I talk of today, how many layers of time and emotion? Events blur, small sections I remember with eye searing clarity, like hot sun on desert rocks.

The beating, and the sound of flesh scored,

The stumbling walk up the road through the city, he kept to the path only by the efforts of those stood at the roadside. Blood & dust mixed at his feet.

Golgotha -noon heat, the sound of nails,the screams, the stench of the rubbish pits, the bloodlusty crowd

My love, bleeding, but still loving, forgiving, embracing; me, the world.

and then the dark….

Thursday

prep’ing for Pesach altogether, in Jerusalem, wow! Still hoping the odd buzz is festival high spirits, but I wonder… #marymag#easterlive

jesus seems calm again, getting some time with him today while the guys rush round getting stuff ready. I need this  #marymag#easterlive

Time to go eat… the guys have done well, no I’m not serving yes I will be there anyone got a prob with that?? good…#marymag#easterlive

washing feet, even mine.. upside down, inappropriate counter-everything…love.. crying like I can’t imagine stopping #marymag#easterlive

never known a seder like this…so poignant, so symbolic. we’re not waiting for the Messiah any more I don’t think .. #marymag#easterlive

“my body, given for you” why does this make me so sad & so full of joy all at the same time. this is hard to understand #marymag#easterlive

“my blood, shed for many” that’s death & life in one. shedding implies death but blood=life, that’s why we don’t eat it #marymag#easterlive

judas left early… can’t he sit still for an entire meal? #marymag#easterlive

a walk… after sunset? what’s going on?…guys want me to stay back, but there’s no way… I’m staying close whatever #marymag#easterlive

praying…staying awake..marginally better than the boys at that one… Jesus is very agitated, and praying by himself #marymag #easterlive

I’m really scared, beginning to wish had stayed home now. occasionally the “honorary bloke” status needs letting go of#marymag #easterlive

crying, wandering dazed, they came for him, soldiers.arrested, swords..why? what now? what do I do? #marymag #easterlive

they say he’s at the High Priests house, I’m heading there, I know this isn’t safe but I can’t abandon him now #marymag #easterlive

outside the High Priest’s- no idea what’s going on,but I can feel he’s near, P’s managed toget in the yard, looks awful #marymag#easterlive

Just saw Jesus being led out… Can’t describe his eyes… Sad/calm/ resigned? He just looked at P…who crumpled…#MaryMag#easterlive

My eyes hurt -so sore and scratchy from crying.. #MaryMag#easterlive

the city is in turmoil, even on a festival there’s never this amount of activity at this hour, I’m hanging in there #marymag #easterlive

time frozen & time rushing- high priest jewish leaders roman governor crowds soldiers.-dizzy & bewildered, headaches,#marymag #easterlive

After yesterday’s ridiculous activity I decided to be sensible today – I wasn’t doing any one any favours, and Jesus asked the guys to get the room sorted for the Seder tonight, there are mutterings about me being there -but that’s tough, isn’t Pesach about family? aren’t we family? and most of all celebrating our freedom with Jesus who has already given me so much freedom, is something very special. Its been generally a quieter day, I’ve had the chance just to sit with Jesus a bit – not many words passed between us, but they’re not that necessary. He seems so tired, and yet there’s something steel like, determined about him. Never once does he lose his ability to care though and to make me feel special. Supper feels poignant, I’ve never experienced a Seder like it -I wonder, perhaps…. maybe we’re not waiting for the Messiah any more? He started by washing our feet!! yes like a slave, and yes even mine, a woman… that was so precious, so counter cultural and shocking that I was in tears, and he just wiped those away too, I love him so much.

During the meal, he spoke of his body being broken and blood shed, -he said the matzah and wine were his body and his blood. This sounds like death -and yet blood is life…. my mind is so bewildered! After supper we went out to the mountain garden, walking in the city at night is not recommended, but there was no way I was staying behind , no way at all. Jesus walked a bit further ahead to pray, he asked  us to pray  too… at least I didn’t fall asleep like the guys did -too much wine perhaps?!! We were all there except Judas who had left early, he seemed very agitated, and had had a really strange conversation with Jesus during supper.

This distant Jesus is hard, I want to be with him so much, all I can do is sit here and pray, that sense of forboding is back, perhaps its just this dark garden, but honestly nothing is normal at the moment, and I can’t make much sense of it.

Suddenly though the garden isn’t dark, its on fire,  what’s happening?? its soldiers! SOLDIERS?! with flaming torches and swords and Oh MY… JUDAS? He walks up to Jesus and kisses him… I don’t think he’s ever done that before, and then as if it was a signal, the soldiers arrest him… they’re taking him away, it’s chaos and mayhem, swords flying everywhere as the guys panic, and run…. I’m not running, but I’m afraid to say I’m keeping my head down, and out of sight, I know what soldiers are like, and a lone young woman in a garden at night….well lets just say they’d all assume I was asking for it anyway.

I made my way to the High Priest’s house,  there was quite a crowd around, and I hung round in the shadows, Peter had managed to wangle his way into the courtyard, but I stayed out the way, goodness knows what happened to time tonight, I’m sure I lost hours in crying and wondering -we went from Caiaphas’s place to the Roman Governor’s at some point in the night, trials happening supposedly, but gosh, the pain, the tantalizingly glimpses of him through the crowds, the longing to run through and touch him, let him know he wasn’t abandoned, on his own. I must have looked like  madwoman as it was though, tired tearstained eyes, so risking attention? well I took the cowards way, and felt  terrible for it, but I stayed close, as close as I could dare. My love, I won’t abandon you, I’m here, just as you are for me.

Wednesday

I did something really silly today. I got so scared after yesterdays blackness that I went mad with busy-ness and it was all completely pointless too – nothing really achieved, nothing accomplished. Just mindless reality denying activity. I never learn. All I’ve ended up with is a sense of frustration and annoyance, and being completely shattered. Barely time to talk with anyone, and losing sight of what is important. Back  in Bethany last night I got a grip. I need to learn more from Jesus, who is so good at just being, and receiving, as well as all the teaching & giving he does. When that woman burst into Simon’s house and washed his feet, he was so gracious, so gentle. We talked afterwards, while the storm raged round the room about the waste and the cost and the inappropriate actions! He didn’t care about any of that, and he recognised that I needed to slow down, and also just sit & soak up the peace. Being close to him has such peace. It’s like knowing who I am and what I’m meant to be, but wordlessly, neither of us really has to say anything -he knows me so well. It does cause friction though, in a big gang of us it’s bound to – hard to say whether it’s because I’m a girl or not -I think its part of it -here are always people who don’t understand, I know Peter & John get it in the neck too, but I know like me they just  feel so completed in this friendship.

Pesach tomorrow -I’ve learnt a lesson and I won’t be rushing round… there’s a few lanky teens round here that could do with the exercise and the occupation

Tuesday

everyone saying i’m quiet today – in truth I’m struggling. Something is happening and I don’t feel comfortable #marymag #easterlive

judas is acting really oddly if you ask me… he’s an odd one, and has got odder lately #marymag #easterlive

Darkness is not something I’m unfamiliar with. Its been part of my life since I can remember. Thick darkness, curl up & die darkness, no light at the back of the cave darkness….

Since I met him its been better, but still  the darkness can roll in, like a wave.

Maybe its a good thing? perhaps the light is brighter because its in contrast? perhaps I can appreciate the good times more because I’ve known the black despair.

Either way, today was a dark dark day, it’s not that anything specific happened, just those gathering clouds, that wave…

It was another day hanging round, in & out of the Temple.  Jesus was teaching and speaking to big groups, small groups… anyone who would listen really, and plenty would. I don’t blame them, I could listen to him all day. I think a lot of people are looking for controversy though, so the atmosphere was edgy. The guys & I were listening and as usual, more than slightly confused; see now & see no more? rebuilding the temple? all this stuff can seem so clear and so not all at the same time.

There were whisperings though, and Judas, what *is* his problem? he keeps vanishing, and he looks ill, and shifty and worried….

He’s got all the money too -such as it is,  I hope he doesn’t vanish completely, we’ve got Pesach to pay for this week.

Sat there though in the Temple court, I got hit by one of these waves of darkness… I wanted to run, and to lie down and drown in it all at the same time. John was a star, I’ve known him long enough too and he knows how I feel sometimes, he sat next to me, just talking, softly, not about much, like you’d talk a small child through a fever, he kept looking at Jesus who was talking to a group a few lengths away. Kept reminding me that he was still there… kept talking…. and then Jesus came over too…

I’ve seen the storm waves on the Sea of Galilee, huge waves that can carry a boat off -that’s how it feels this darkness… powerful and strong, blown up out of nowhere like those storms. Sometimes I can’t even tell you if something triggered it – I just need to be held, and to hold on until it passes. The temptation just to let it carry me off is strong though, thank G-d for my friends who hold me.

I think we’re back in Bethany tonight. I just want to sleep frankly, this week is not half way through and its already the oddest one I’ve ever known.

Monday

and I quite fancied figs for breakfast too…and some peace & quiet… fat chance #marymag #easterlive

staying close,as much as I can..-its quite heated & angry but exciting too.real sense of purpose, proud to be with him #marymag#easterlive

spending time w/ his mother mary 2day, she’s helped me so much, and she’s so proud of him, so supportive, so faithful #marymag #easterlive

After yesterday today felt very odd, we came back into the city from Bethany, Jesus had been quite relaxed during the evening but this morning he’s all pent up and tense again, not in a bad way but just preoccupied, as if he has an appointment none of us know about but he needs to get to.

He suddenly lost it on the road and did this really wierd thing, cursing a tree; it’s not like it was in the way or dropping awfully squidgy fruit on the path like they do sometimes, but he just yelled at it and the freaky part is it just withered & died.

We’ve all seen him do amazing stuff, making people better, gosh even last week and Lazarus!…still can’t quite get my head round that one… but killing a tree?? Its all a bit surreal.

I  know I’m one of the lucky ones in this group really, he talks to me, just quietly as we’re walking along, its reassuring. I guess at least I know he’s still the same person as he was last week even with everything kicking off…

I wish I could change things for him, the harsh words he’s getting, this feeling of inevitability about “something”.

But in the meantime I can just be here and listen. I planned to stay close today, and I was right to I think.

He was in the temple for a bit -in the outer courts, where its like a market, he was talking to groups, like a lot of the teachers do, bit of heckling, as you’d expect, and an odd buzz round the outer edges, like people were talking and whispering, paying attention, but not….

Suddenly he turned angrily at the market traders, con-artists a lot of them are, but still… he totally lost the plot, flipped their tables over, yanking down the stalls, the canopies….. there was chaos for a few seconds, you can imagine…doves & goats all loose suddenly, and yelling traders, little kids running all over the show. He yelled into the chaos and it calmed down, spookily almost. He ranted at them , but with control, it wasn’t raving like a madman, but  kind of powerful… he told them it was like a den of thieves rather than a house of prayer, well.. that’s true enough, but the thing that got everyone was that he kept on referring to ” my father’s house”. That rattled people.

It’s been an odd day for sure…another one! I’m getting the chance to spend more time with Mary, his mother though. She’s amazing, she’s been so so good to me, helpful, wise, just what I’ve needed this last year or so, goodness knows what my mother would make of all this, and what she sees as my need to abandon everything to go treking after “that bloke”. Mary’s great though, and such an honour to hear her stories of when Jesus was born, gosh, and before… such amazing faith & trust . Between us we’re here for him, we may not always understand what’s going on, but we know he’ll talk at least, and he’s got our support -I’m just so grateful to both of them.