Lightening the dark places
Sometimes life feels really tough, grinding and relentless. Stuff gets chucked at you and starts obscuring the light, all I can see is the stuff, like layers of black fabric, up close and claustrophobic, suffocating, opaque stuff… push it away fora bit and the light gets through again, the relief is palpable, but now the stuff is round my feet, tangling, tripping, and more stuff gets chucked, and now there’s no light again, but no way of moving either… and is that the light at the end of the tunnel anyway or is it the train?..
Hiding away in this dark place I dig round and find those dark thoughts, haven’t thought those thoughts in a while… maybe if I yell them loudly someone will hear, through this stuff…
But even in the act of yelling, I know I don’t really believe them, I don’t really want to give them voice, and somehow, the help comes, the dark thoughts fade a bit in the light as the stuff falls away a bit. It’s still there, that stuff, no one can take it away completely at the moment, but if there are gaps then what I see is the light, the way ahead, and not the covering of black stifling stuff.
Help isn’t taking the stuff away, help is listening to the darkest thoughts and helping me bring them to the light, where they fade, and eventually die. Help is parting the black stuff so I can see out, and see the light. People who can do this are angels in disguise, I am grateful I know them, more than I can say.
I know I don’t want to be anywhere else, doing anything else. In my deepest place I know that this is the right place; it just hurts to be here right now.