everyone saying i’m quiet today – in truth I’m struggling. Something is happening and I don’t feel comfortable #marymag #easterlive

judas is acting really oddly if you ask me… he’s an odd one, and has got odder lately #marymag #easterlive

Darkness is not something I’m unfamiliar with. Its been part of my life since I can remember. Thick darkness, curl up & die darkness, no light at the back of the cave darkness….
Since I met him its been better, but still  the darkness can roll in, like a wave.
Maybe its a good thing? perhaps the light is brighter because its in contrast? perhaps I can appreciate the good times more because I’ve known the black despair.
Either way, today was a dark dark day, it’s not that anything specific happened, just those gathering clouds, that wave…
It was another day hanging round, in & out of the Temple.  Jesus was teaching and speaking to big groups, small groups… anyone who would listen really, and plenty would. I don’t blame them, I could listen to him all day. I think a lot of people are looking for controversy though, so the atmosphere was edgy. The guys & I were listening and as usual, more than slightly confused; see now & see no more? rebuilding the temple? all this stuff can seem so clear and so not all at the same time.
There were whisperings though, and Judas, what *is* his problem? he keeps vanishing, and he looks ill, and shifty and worried….
He’s got all the money too -such as it is,  I hope he doesn’t vanish completely, we’ve got Pesach to pay for this week.
Sat there though in the Temple court, I got hit by one of these waves of darkness… I wanted to run, and to lie down and drown in it all at the same time. John was a star, I’ve known him long enough too and he knows how I feel sometimes, he sat next to me, just talking, softly, not about much, like you’d talk a small child through a fever, he kept looking at Jesus who was talking to a group a few lengths away. Kept reminding me that he was still there… kept talking…. and then Jesus came over too…
I’ve seen the storm waves on the Sea of Galilee, huge waves that can carry a boat off -that’s how it feels this darkness… powerful and strong, blown up out of nowhere like those storms. Sometimes I can’t even tell you if something triggered it – I just need to be held, and to hold on until it passes. The temptation just to let it carry me off is strong though, thank G-d for my friends who hold me.
I think we’re back in Bethany tonight. I just want to sleep frankly, this week is not half way through and its already the oddest one I’ve ever known.

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