After yesterday’s ridiculous activity I decided to be sensible today – I wasn’t doing any one any favours, and Jesus asked the guys to get the room sorted for the Seder tonight, there are mutterings about me being there -but that’s tough, isn’t Pesach about family? aren’t we family? and most of all celebrating our freedom with Jesus who has already given me so much freedom, is something very special. Its been generally a quieter day, I’ve had the chance just to sit with Jesus a bit – not many words passed between us, but they’re not that necessary. He seems so tired, and yet there’s something steel like, determined about him. Never once does he lose his ability to care though and to make me feel special. Supper feels poignant, I’ve never experienced a Seder like it -I wonder, perhaps…. maybe we’re not waiting for the Messiah any more? He started by washing our feet!! yes like a slave, and yes even mine, a woman… that was so precious, so counter cultural and shocking that I was in tears, and he just wiped those away too, I love him so much.
During the meal, he spoke of his body being broken and blood shed, -he said the matzah and wine were his body and his blood. This sounds like death -and yet blood is life…. my mind is so bewildered! After supper we went out to the mountain garden, walking in the city at night is not recommended, but there was no way I was staying behind , no way at all. Jesus walked a bit further ahead to pray, he asked us to pray too… at least I didn’t fall asleep like the guys did -too much wine perhaps?!! We were all there except Judas who had left early, he seemed very agitated, and had had a really strange conversation with Jesus during supper.
This distant Jesus is hard, I want to be with him so much, all I can do is sit here and pray, that sense of forboding is back, perhaps its just this dark garden, but honestly nothing is normal at the moment, and I can’t make much sense of it.
Suddenly though the garden isn’t dark, its on fire, what’s happening?? its soldiers! SOLDIERS?! with flaming torches and swords and Oh MY… JUDAS? He walks up to Jesus and kisses him… I don’t think he’s ever done that before, and then as if it was a signal, the soldiers arrest him… they’re taking him away, it’s chaos and mayhem, swords flying everywhere as the guys panic, and run…. I’m not running, but I’m afraid to say I’m keeping my head down, and out of sight, I know what soldiers are like, and a lone young woman in a garden at night….well lets just say they’d all assume I was asking for it anyway.
I made my way to the High Priest’s house, there was quite a crowd around, and I hung round in the shadows, Peter had managed to wangle his way into the courtyard, but I stayed out the way, goodness knows what happened to time tonight, I’m sure I lost hours in crying and wondering -we went from Caiaphas’s place to the Roman Governor’s at some point in the night, trials happening supposedly, but gosh, the pain, the tantalizingly glimpses of him through the crowds, the longing to run through and touch him, let him know he wasn’t abandoned, on his own. I must have looked like madwoman as it was though, tired tearstained eyes, so risking attention? well I took the cowards way, and felt terrible for it, but I stayed close, as close as I could dare. My love, I won’t abandon you, I’m here, just as you are for me.